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Blighted Ovum

Have you ever heard of this? I hadn't either until last night.

This is going to be a very raw post, but I need to journal this right now to try to process some of these emotions.

A blighted ovum is basically where the gestational sac is forming, but there is no embryo forming inside of it.

We [are] almost 9 weeks pregnant. Adding baby #3 to our family has been anticipated for almost a year now. The fact that we are pregnant has been very exciting. We've been doing the dance of "when to tell the family and how to tell them" for a couple of weeks now. We finally told one side of the family on Sunday with the plan to tell the rest of the family next week. We figured we are almost 9 weeks along, and the first appointment is 2 days away. Might as well share the excitement now rather than waiting another month for the next family gathering.

The reason I say that we [are] pregnant is because my body is pregnant. It is growing the gestational sac THINKING there is a baby in there. I'm experiencing all of the pregnancy symptoms such as nausea, fatigue, frequent need to urinate, mood swings, and my belly is growing. Now imagine finding out that all of these feelings for the past 2 months have been for a sac. Not for a baby.

When we found out yesterday, I was initially sad because of all of the plans and excitement we had. Ultimately, this is still a loss that we need to process. But along with sadness, I also felt disappointment and a bit of shame.

Today, though, I feel an intense rush of anger. I'm so angry with my body. I'm angry that I'm still nauseous. I'm angry that I know I'm hollow inside.

I want to scream.

I want to punch a punching bag until my knuckles bleed.

I want to run so hard and fast that I throw up.

I think part of me wants to do these things to punish myself. But it's also to release this overpowering emotion that I can't seem to process. If you know me, you know that I am beyond passionate about life coaching and feeling your emotions. But I can't quite seem to get there right now. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to sit in this feeling a bit longer before I can understand what it's saying to me.

So for now, I will end this post and hopefully have more to update y'all on when I figure out sitting with this emotion.

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